How to Annoy the Twilight Characters
by Grey Blade
Summary: Title says it all. I know this idea isn't original but I just couldn't resist. This was inspired by 500 Ways to Annoy Sanzo from the Saiyuki category. Rated for slight language. I'm having a lot of fun with this! Suggestions for this are very welcome
1. Edward Cullen

**Love the Twilight series, thinks ****Stephenie**** Meyer is a genius. Though I was annoyed to hell by Bella in**** Eclipse, I think Meyer's works are excellent. So no one ****say**** I am doing this cause' I hate the books. Trust me, I am with you Twilight fans, I just wanted to do this since I love the characters, especially Alice, and I guess this is how I show ****mah****' love!**

Edward:

Dye his hair pink

Spray fish perfume on Bella

Ask if he's a virgin

Scream out loud to grab his attention, when he looks at you and then starts to read your mind, thinks of yaoi(1)thoughts involving him and Jacob.

Tell him Jacob is in love with him

Tell Jacob Edward wants to give him a massage

Tell Alice Edward promised on his life-pun intended-to give her a pedicure

Put a pack of condoms in his car with a note saying "_With __**love**__, from Bella"_

Call him Bob whenever he addresses you

Call him the 40 year old virgin-to-be

Bind him to a chair so that he can't possibly get out, get a knife, and cut of all his fingers and his ears. Let's see how he'll deal with this

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(1)-A Japanese term where two guys "get cozy in bed". This is the usual connotation but not necessarily.

I updated this chap a bit with the virgin thing...guess the movie I was watching when inspiration struck


	2. Jasper Hale

**It's Jasper's turn! Love his ability! Oh and I had just recently found out from one of my sources that Ed's real name is Edward Anthony ****Masen**** Cullen. Oh and if one of you spots the title **_**500 Ways to Annoy **__**Sanzo**_** i****n the**_**Saiyuki**_**category please tell me and give me any link. It's really funny. Anyways! Here it is!**

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Jasper:

Wear a pink muumuu skirt. Put a sign around your neck saying "Jasper Hale"

With the "Jasper Hale" sign still around your neck, raise up another sign with an arrow pointing towards you with the word "constipated'.

Put him in a room with Emmet. See what happens.

Put him in a locked room (where even Vampires can't get out) with Emmet. See what happens after 20 days.

Put him in the same locked room with Emmet with a video camera hidden from them. See what happens.

Put him in the same room with Emmet with the lights out and a video camera hidden from them. See what happens.

Put him in the same locked room with Barney. See what happens.

Put him in a locked room with 15 pregnant women (Love this suggestion. From Hinotezeke)

Put him next to Barney. The happiness should be too much for him.

Poke him every three seconds.

Throw dirty clothes at him

Throw dirty underwear at his face

(While walking on alone together) when you spot people, run towards them screaming "HELP! This guy is RAPING me!!"


	3. Alice Cullen

**Yay****! My favorite Cullen and possibly my favorite character in the whole book: Alice! Alice Cullen is an actual name! She's the first UK Roman Catholic woman. ****Ironic huh?**** Still, out of everyone, she's the most anime-****ish**** character, and I **_**love**_** anime which is why she's one of my most ****faved****! And despite that fact, I'm still doing this to her. **

**Oh yeah, suggestions are welcome**

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Alice: 

Give her a straight jacket for Christmas (From my friend, Billie the fourth sage)

Ask Alice what will happen when Jasper and Emmet are in a locked room together.

Make a puppet that looks like her, whenever she's talking make it that the puppet is the one talking

Call her "Egg"

Trick her into wearing blue lipstick. Say it's nice with her complexion

Give her a (fake) letter saying she's been accepted in a convent

Give her a nun costume to go with it

Tell her she'll stay there all her "life" (From Billie the fourth sage)

Write the return address so that will lead her to an asylum

Tell her "I truly deeply love you and I want to marry you" ten times. Then tell her it was from Rosalie

Get everyone else to dress as a nun. Tell Alice it's to celebrate

Draw on her face with pink marker

Put a sign on her door. Put it as high up as you want just as long as it's higher than her. Write "Must be this tall to enter."

Photoshoppe(1) a picture of her in a straight jacket in a cellar talking to Barney. Give it to her and insist that it's a picture of her past. Insist even more that the guy she's talking to was her old boyfriend.

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-(1) For the completely clueless out there. This is a program used with pictures. You can disorient them, add stuff, overlap stuff on the actual picture, etc. You can fake anything and still make it look realistic.

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**Okay, I'm tired of doing school work so I updated this chapter a bit just to take a break. **

**Thanks, Cheese for those suggestions. I was talking to ****mah****' friend on the phone when Cheese suggested this. The convent letter thing also inspired me when Cheese was talking to me about the summary of a book. **

**Oh and any news of **_**500 Ways to Annoy **__**Sanzo**_**? Gensomaden**** Saiyuki**** or just plain ****Saiyuki**** fans should **_**really**_** read this. **


	4. Rosalie Hale

**Ah yes, Rosalie. Not a character I give any attention to that much, but still. She's vain and vain people get easily annoyed. And since the title is **_**How to Annoy the Twilight Characters**_** I'll just go on ahead. Rosalie has matured ever since her turning-into-a-vampire incident and though she's vain she doesn't have this bitchy attitude that goes with it**** and I don't think she's the one that's affected that much by not following the latest trends ****so not everything I write here is applicable to her. But still, wouldn't it be fun if she reacted just how we'd want her to?**

**Oh, and don't you people think it would be cool to mix the Twilight series with Death Note? Someone could write Bella's name in the black book and the whole series would turn into something completely different! Anyways…stop with my blabbing…Here's Rosalie Hale**

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Rosalie:

Trick her into thinking that mixing neon pink with olive green and pale yellow is the latest trend.

Dye her hair blue.

Look up her skirt. When she asks (or screams) what you're doing, say "I thought you had hairy legs"

Chop off the hair at the back and put "hair grower" at the front. Draw a face with a marker at the back of her now bald scalp so she looks like she inverted her whole head and recently mutated a distorted face.

Throw multiple eggs at her. See how she likes it.

Throw multiple rotten eggs at her. See how she likes it.

Throw Barney at her. See how she likes it.

Tell her Emmet ran away to get married with Barney.

Tell her Barney loves her

Ask her if she's a virgin every five seconds

Get a gun and shoot her a hundred times just for the heck of seeing her not die with dozens of holes in her body

Cut of her big toe and superglue it to her ear

Give her a tutu for Christmas

Tell her "I love you". Wait for the right moment when she's going to start "I love you like a sister" blah, blah, blah. At that moment, run around screaming "SEXUAL HARRASMENT!!!!"

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**Wow. I had a lot of fun doing this. There might be a possibility that it's because I was watching **_**My **__**Super**__** Ex-Girlfriend **_**simultaneously. **


	5. Emmet Cullen

**Emmet. So far Emmet is the brawny kind. ****The tough kind that modifies a simple "Yes" into a "Hell yeah!"****You ****know,**** the kind that's really fun to look at when he's pissed off like hell. **** So I decided to do him first before Jacob before Bella.**

**And…! Here's Emmet Cullen!**

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Emmet:

Draw a mustache on his face and arched evil villain eyebrows with a marker

Put your hand on his chest, pause and then say, "yup, not a woman. Sorry. Just wanted to confirm." (Reworded this a bit. Remembered from _500 Ways to Annoy __Sanzo_

Give him Victoria's Secret lingerie for Christmas

Call him "Daddy".

When he asks for directions, fake it and give him directions leading to a toga party in a steakhouse. Tell the people there he's a special guest of honor

Call his cell phone. When he answers, do nothing but breathe.

Give him concert tickets to Spice Girls. (Author's note: I know they're old and have disbanded but give me any other girly band)

Make some random grandmother fall in love with him.

Tell random people in the streets that he's gay

Superglue a pantyhose to his head. Make them look like bunny ears if you want

Superglue pictures of men's legs on every inch of his room

Jump on his lap and poke his eye multiple times for no reason then finally jump off screaming , "Emmet _hates_ me!"

Give him an invitation to a "mauling-some-random-guy-by-a-bear convention"

Get every material thing he owns and/or loves and donate them to a children's hospital

Ask him what it's like being scarred for life by a crazy blonde bitch whenever he goes to bed

Ask him what it's like to have Edward fall in love with him

Do nothing but stare at him all week with bulging eyes.

Put on a Mexican poncho, a neon pink tutu, a panty hose on your head, men's boxers and mismatching, brightly colored socks then go around saying you're Emmet's girlfriend


	6. Jacob Black

**And here's Jacob Black! I might be updating more on him some time in the future cause' for one thing, I don't feel all that inspired and that's bad for businesses like these. Anyways, I'm sure you've noticed how much I've been putting Barney in this. Hate the stupid dinosaur.**

**At the start, I liked Jacob, especially in Twilight and a bit in New Moon, but when he turned into an asshole werewolf, I started a riot against him. I'm not doing this because I like him. I'm doing this cause' I really want to annoy him straight to hell so he can grovel at Satan's knees and beg him to curse me.**

**But I'm not all that creative today so lucky him!**

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Jacob: 

Give him deodorant and mouthwash for his Birthday. Tell him it's for the best.

Ask him why he hasn't imprinted yet.

Ask him about puberty

Laugh at him for no reason, throw a pie at his face then run around then run off screaming into the horizon.

Put a leash and collar around him then tie him to a post.

When he asks for directions to the bathroom point him to the fire hydrant.

Dump a pile of wedding invitations on him.

Burn all his original birth certificates, files, records, etc.

Replace said birth certificates, files, records, etc. with forged ones. Make sure the _Father _part has the name _Sirius Black _on it.

Make sure the Mother part says Remus Lupin. (From NLAOTIC Psychotic)

Superglue gigantic sideburns to the side of his face.

Strap him to a chair with a television in front of him. Force him to watch reruns of Barney episodes.

Wait for the right moment when he's almost forgotten them. When the time comes, walk through the front door with a Barney costume on.

Record a girl with a high pitched voice screaming. Let everyone hear it. Then tell them it's Jacob Black.

Get him to desperately fall in love with you (dress up as Bella if you have to), marry him then the moment you walk out the church doors, walk away. Tell him, "I'm sorry but I'm in love with a fire hydrant. We just can't be together."

Adopt 58 children under the name "Jacob Black". Make sure it's official.

Ask for his shoe size. When he tells you, laugh and ask for his real one.

Key into his car, "I love Edward Cullen." (From -I-luv-Edward-Cullen123)

Put up fliers saying "Lost Dog" with a picture of Jacob Black on it. (Inspired by -I-luv-Edward-Cullen123)

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**Thanks so much for those suggestions! **

**Will be updating this chapter when more ideas come! Until those ideas come, I'm starting on Bella next. Suggestions are welcome! Sorry for the late upload...I had to research on 10 different types of bacteria seen in water! **


	7. Bella Swan

**Ah yes…Bella…In the middle of schoolwork and three other ****fanfics****, I really don't seem to have time for her. I thought her to be fairly acceptable in Twilight, grew impatient with her in New Moon then decided she was as annoying as hell. The pairing ****EdXBella**** is alright in itself, but how I wish she had a little more positive attributes to begin with. Let's say maybe, she can…I don't know, sing? ****Paint?**** Something! At least give her a little common sense in decision making!**

**Anyways! Bella Swan!**

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Bella:

Kill Edward. Simple enough really.

Chop off all her hair.

Instead of sending her a bouquet of roses, send her a truck full of deodorant. Tell her it's from Edward.

Replace every known video, VCR, television series, movie, etc. in Seattle with clips of her dancing.

Ask her if she always wants to remember Edward. When she says "yes" (of course she will) put one of his toes on her silver bracelet.

Send her a return application saying she's been accepted to Hogwarts.

(When she goes to college (Hogwarts) and is looking for platform 9 ¾) point to where it's supposed to be and watch her crash into a solid brick wall.

Tell her Edward turned you into a vampire before her.

Moon her.

Kick her then run. Go back in a Barney costume, kick her then run.

Always talk in Spanish to her.

When she tells or asks you something, always respond in plural form. Example: Bella: "Let's go this way". You: WE don't think that's good idea. _(Remembered from the genius 500 Ways to Annoy __Sanzo_)

Superglue chopsticks up her nose.

Tell her Edward is gay.

(still on the previous one) When she says, "but he loves_ me_." Reply, "exactly"

Put a garland of garlic on her head.

Give her a leash and collar and say it's for Jacob.

Photoshoppe a picture of Edward in a wedding dress then show it to her.

Superglue a beard and mustache on Edward so they can't kiss properly.

Better yet, superglue a beard and mustache on her.

Eat a bunch of garlic then blow at her face.

Make light saber sounds in her midst.

Call her Billy so it could go with Bob. (Look back to Chapter one on Edward)

Make her think she has pink eye.

Follow her around saying "I love you".

Take off Edward's head then give it to her. Since he's still a vampire it's going to start talking pretty soon.

Slap her with a dead fish.

Giver her a packet of blood for Christmas.

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**Hmmm…not **_**totally**_** inspired.**** Oh…and did I mention that I absolutely hate history right now? Ah, well. **

**Suggestions are welcome!**


	8. Carlisle Cullen

**Yeah! Carlisle!! And then Charlie!!! I don't think I'll do ****Esme****…the thing is…she's too nice****. If I try to annoy her, I wouldn't be surprised if all she did was pat my shoulder and say, "You're just misunderstood…."**** So…….yeah….but if ****I see an obvious majority of objections…fine, that's what the readers' want!**

**So sorry for the late update!!! I have exams and all.**

**I might not be updating stuff for a while. You people know why? Well, for this week I have to give a presentation on the fifth commandment, give another presentation on Fauvism and Expressionism, present a formal speech on the history of ****Pugadlawin****, Philippines, and then memorize 20 pages of my Investigatory Proposal so I can do well in ****mah****' oral defense (where the teachers ask you questions and you have to answer them). And the week after, I have exams. So yeah…school is gay.**

**Anyways, before I continue studying, here's Carlisle!**

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Carlisle:

Burn off his eyebrows

Put synthetic armpit hair on his armpits

Put hair grower on his knees

Burn down the hospital and then run away screaming into the horizon

Use his stethoscope on him and listen to him not be dead.

Make raspberry sounds whenever he's talking to you

Call him "Dawg"

Talk to him in rapper language. E.g. "What up, mah' homey?" "Yo, yo, yo!" (Billie the fourth sage: dude, I already had this idea before you reviewed)

Superglue creepy pictures of a smiling Barney on every part of the house.

Put pictures of Gollum in every picture frame

Put a mechanical bull in the middle of the living room

Stalk him

Tell every nurse in the hospital he's single (from Xxtwilight.obsessed.xX )

Put blood from the blood bank in juice boxes and sell them to James.

Fill the whole house with the juice(blood) boxes

Put a large sign on the front of the house saying, "Blood Juice Factory"

Make a commercial while you're at it.

Poke him every three seconds.

Ask him about virginity every five.

Paint the whole house red.

Invite a pack of wolves into the Cullen household.

Invite a werewolf to sleep in his bed.

Put up a pink negligee in a store. Put a sign. "Owned by DOCTOR Carlisle Cullen

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**School is gay! In the past two and a-half months, I haven't had one, single decent night of sleep!!! Not one! My earliest would be 11:00 pm!!! All because of SCHOOL!!!**


	9. Charlie Swan

**I've decided to update, since I promised yah' guys I'd give Charlie. Sorry if it took me a long time, but I had to put it on hold to get everything together and write my three other fanfics. And yes, I am not a big fan of Twilight anymore, though I may be reading the next installments, I now know that Meyer isn't a genius because really, when you look at it, it's just a fluff-lovers perfect fantasy. But yes, I still think the book is great, just not as much as when I first read it.**

**And that Barney thing? I've been getting a lot of questions about this. Well, here's the thing. I think Barney is gay. And I really, really don't like him/her/it/whatever/etc. I have a really bad past with the dude. And the gay thing? Yes that's a habit I got from one of my classmates who's always "This is gay," "Science is gay", Gets pwned by Sepiroth "Sepiroth is sooo gay," or something along those lines. And it rubbed off on me. Well, here's the long awaited Charlie Swan**

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Charlie:

Kill Bella (dun dun dun)

Make him bald

Get a camcorder and follow him around recording his life

Follow him in the bathroom

While he's doing his "business," whistle some elevator music

Tell him Bella ran off to marry Edward

You know what? Tell him Bella ran off to marry Barney

But just to make him not feel alone, give him a (destructive) rabbit with a chainsaw (_Thank you _Fishy Crackers)

Get a truck to deliver hotdogs to his house everyday. Steal all his food just to make sure he doesn't cheat out of the hotdogs. (Zell Dincht would love this, wouldn't he?)

Convince Ed to turn Bella into a vampire…right in front of her dad

Take a picture of Bella in a wedding dress with Edward (or Barney) right next to her.

Give him a G-string for Christmas. Put a card there saying, "_To: Charlie Swan/ From: Carlisle Cullen"_

Follow him around _everywhere _saying the words "Poppycock" and "Balderdash" over and _over_ again.

Superglue Oprah to his body.

Tell him Bella's pregnant…to decaplets.

Insist on borrowing his gun. When he says 'no', give a long sermon about the origin and importance of sharing

If he says yes, shoot at the (destructive) rabbit's chainsaw. Point at him and say "he did it."

Tell him the rabbit's dead. (He'll be happy) Then come home the next day with a blowtorch-wielding goldfish that has fetish for Charlie's blood (Thanks to Fishy Crackers)

Put a used tampon in his pocket. When in public, pull it out and announce "Oh my gawd! Officer Swan is PMS-ing!!" Either that or "OMG! PERV!!"

Steal his cop costume and replace it with a nurse costume (gender optional). Say it's the new uniform.

Replace the poster of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". Put his face there instead of the actual Charlie Bucket.

Tell Willy Wonka he has a new Oompa-loompa for hire that has red hair and is abnormally tall and has 'Swan' for a last name. Then give Charlie a chocolate bar with a golden ticket inside, just to get him there.

Put some birth pills in his food.

Release all the criminals he's worked so hard to arrest.

Blow at his face whenever he tries to sleep.

Superglue bunny ears to his head.

Still on that last one, take a picture of him and show it Destructive Rabbit and say it's female.

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**Oh and thank you guys so much for the ideas and inspiration. Especially Cheese or Billie the Fourth Sage. None of your actual ideas are here, but without them I'd really, really be lost. Yeah, they inspired my better ideas.**

**Sorry if this disappointed you guys a bit. Tell me if you guys want me to do Esme. Actually I was just obligated to do this since I remember saying in one of my AN's that I'd do a chap on him, and I don't go back on my word so here it is. But like I said, it was more of an obligation so in my opinion it's not that funny. I hope you still like it though. **


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